Venus and Mars

To truly see the difference between men and women, one must look no farther than their reactions to a pregnancy announcement.

A response from another (female) teacher at my place of employment: "A baby! How exciting!"

A response from a (male) co-worker at my husband's place of employment: "You've got to be loving your wife's bigger boobs! Just wait until her milk comes in ..."

White Lights

Weeks ago, I took to decorating the house for the Christmas season. While most of my decorating was "by the books" and pretty much the same as it has been for the past couple of years, I decided to change things up a little bit (throw caution to the wind!) and wind some white mini-lights around the railing to our second floor ...

Although it was completely unorthodox ... Usually, I use the colored mini-lights ... I was quite satisfied with the finished product:



It looked peaceful.

Angelic, even.

Certainly a decoration that is completely in tune with the holiday spirit and all that it entails.

To my dear husband, however, it is merely bright ...

"Did you have to use the white lights?" He complained upon seeing them in all their glowing glory. "They're going to cause a glare on the TV! There's no way I'm going to turn those on in the evening!"

Well, since that first day of decorating, my pretty white lights have only been on when I've turned them on ... Until last night when I spied him reading with the peaceful lights twinkling by his side.

Someone must be getting into the "Christmas Spirit."

Mission: Accomplice

I have always considered myself to be a "dog person," but I am now quite accustomed to life with cats. I like how low maintenance they are, how they get embarrassed when they do something stupid, how their meows sound unique ... I like when they purr for no good reason (usually after you've had a bad day) or how (only if they feel like it) they curl up on your lap or next to you in bed and keep you warm.

The longer I have cats, the more interesting I realize that they are, and the more I realize that life would be weird without one. However, I've also come to find that my cats (at the very least) are constantly scheming ...

They're up to no good.

For example, this past weekend, I came upstairs to find "my" cat, our black mixed-breed, laying all adorably in the doorway to the master bedroom. Unable to resist a fat creature like herself, I knelt down and gave her a few good "love taps" instead of entering the room. She promptly began to purr and stretch out, obviously enjoying the attention.

Then I head a bumbling, rustling noise coming from inside ... Just beyond what I could see from the doorway...

As it turns out, our other cat, a petite, little Tortie, was into something she definitely should not have been ... And the other cat was covering for her! It was like the old lookout in heist movies, the guard standing at the door to make sure that nothing went awry. Sort of like Mr. Orange of Reservoir Dogs, but without all the blood.

It wasn't all that long ago, when our black cat was new to the house, that the Tortie didn't want anything to do with her.

Oh, how times change!

Periodically Awesome

Although I'm a big complainer, consistently whining about the trials and tribulations of being a teacher and how I'm not sure if I really, truly like it (but who really likes their job, anyway?) ... I have to admit that it does have its amusing moments.

For example (and for your enjoyment), here is a student's answer from a Physical Science quiz that I administered today:

What property did Henry Moseley use to organize the periodic table?

Do you give up?

No, it's not atomic number (really, though, it is) ...

The answer is ...

Wait for it ...

"The awesome property!"

Ha! Awesome!

Selective Hearing

I've probably noticed many times over during the course of our marriage and previous relationship, but, tonight, it was especially apparent that my husband does not listen to a word I say!

There was a fundraiser being thrown for one the teachers that I work with at a local sports' bar. His wife, who has been battling cancer for years, recently had some complications, causing him to go on leave from teaching and ultimately making times tight for their family of four. For a small fee, my husband and I were prepared to make an appearance and enjoy some all you could eat food and all you could drink drinks, as well as a little conversation with my coworkers. As we were leaving the house, I told him (in no uncertain terms) where we were headed.

He nodded as if he understood.

My first clue that he wasn't paying attention was when he made to back out of the driveway and head the wrong direction down our street ...

My second clue was when he moved into a turn only lane to head left, when we simply had to continue straight down the road ...

After nearly being hit by another car during a quick lane change, my third clue presented itself when I kept insisting he head toward the desired street and he continued to harp on why the earlier left had turn would have made arriving at our destination easier ...

Finally on the right track, I (perhaps stupidly) asked him: "Didn't you listen to me when I said where we were headed?"

Glancing sideways at me, and much too quickly for my tastes, he replied: "Nope."

I should be mad, maybe even a little annoyed that my own husband routinely tunes me out ... As if I don't usually know better than him, anyway! Instead I somehow find the humor in all of this.

How does the saying go?

"It's either laugh or cry?"

That sounds about right.

Playing Favorites

Students just love to tell you that you are their all-time favorite teacher. While this sentiment does make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, I have learned to take it with a grain of salt.

Case in point:

As I was circulating around the room today, helping students with the independent study assignment (basically reading the chapter and answering questions on a worksheet) that they were working on, one of the boys waved me over with a question.

After we solved his problem, he smiled up at me and said, "You know? You are my favorite teacher this year."

Thanking him (and reminding him to keep working ... Flattery does not exempt you from finishing the classwork assignment), I turned to go on with my circulating when I heard a friend of his whisper, "That's what you said to Miss P. in English last period."

At least I'm in the top two. :)

Getting Older

My students have gotten over their "first week jitters" and are now more comfortable with talking to me. Before one of my classes began yesterday, one of my girls was curious as to how old I was.

"How old do you think I am?" I asked, instead of giving up the goods.

It's always interesting to play this little game. Sometimes you're pleasantly surprised by what a teenager thinks ... Other times, not so much ...

She looked at me, wrinkled her button nose, and thought for a minute. "I'd say you're about twenty," was her eventual reply.

Twenty! :)

I was still in college at twenty.

I doubt she really took the time to do the math ... But it made my day nonetheless!

(Especially since I'll be turning twenty-six tomorrow.)

Rise and SHINE!

Why is it so hard to find a good (insert choice word here) these days?

I have heard that statement ring true for many things over the years: a man, a pair of jeans, a television sitcom, a steak, a job ... But, right now, the good thing that I'm looking for is a dual alarm clock.

My husband and I have been using his old alarm clock since we got married, and he used it for many years before that. It is obviously a hand-me-down, and it has seen better days ... But it works. You can't fault it for working. However, with us both waking up at different times on weekday mornings, it just makes sense to "update" and get something that will only have to be set once, rather than pressing our luck each morning as the alarm is groggily set for the second, and third (my husband has a weird morning routine) time.

The main problem here is not the clock itself, or even the features that the clock must have to be considered a good purchase. We are easy with that. The problem comes in the display itself ... No, too big or too small is not an issue either (I can't see anything that's more than in inch in front of my face without my glasses, anyway) ... The problem is the brightness with which the numbers are illuminated.

I have found, in all my years of alarm clock using, that red numbers are the only way to go. Green numbers are like having a neon sign next to your head and blue numbers are like the reflected rays of the sun as they would appear under an inch of crystal Caribbean water.

So, why on earth would I agree to getting a blue-numbered alarm clock?

"It has a dimmer feature," he said. "It should be just fine," he assured me.

Not so much.

Even with the dimmer turned on, half of our bedroom was lit up like the streets of Las Vegas! We actually had to cover the thing up in order to get to sleep ... It was seriously that bright. What kind of light bulbs are in these things, anyway?

Maybe I'll have to just break down and buy the red-numbered clock I saw online and shell out the $5 shipping cost. Yes, it will be more than if I just purchased it in the store (where it seemingly does not exist), but if we must update to a dual alarm, it might as well be something that we can live with.

Green-eyed Monster

One fine afternoon, I was sitting on the couch, reading. My cat, Isis, was laying across my lap, stretched out, purring, and utterly enjoying herself.

The jiggle of the key in the door (my husband was home from work) prompted her to perk up, and a low growl started building up in her chest. She hopped down from the couch, crouching in the middle of the living room, her growl getting louder and more insistent as she looked from the direction of the door and back to me.

When my husband finally made it across the threshold, the sound of the door and his feet prompted Isis to run to her usual spot behind the couch, growling and muttering all the way.


Now, I’m no animal behaviorist, but, apparently, there are some deep seeded feelings between my cat and my husband.

The funny thing about all of this is that, before I got married, I didn’t even like cats. I come from a long line of cat-haters, in fact, and didn’t want to be within ten feet of a stupid cat. So, for this cat to have claimed me, and not him, bothers my husband like you would not believe. He goes so far as to say that he hates this cat and would give her away if he had the chance. I’m smarter than all of that, however, and know that’s not actually the case. Deep down, he loves her and wants her to love him too.

It seems that I have two green-eyed monsters on my hands.

If only we could all just get along!

Social Butterfly

I'm awkward, there are no two ways around it.

It is just part of my personality.

Put me in an overtly social situation and I clam up ... Guaranteed! I'm only half way comfortable when I'm with family or very close friends, and, even then, I have some trouble. I consider myself to be an intelligent individual, but, sometimes, when I open my mouth, I feel so irrelevant and so ... Well, dumb.

I think that is why I got a really good laugh out of this MSN ad when I saw it the other day.

I'm just like that guy, only female.

I've got a weird fashion sense, glasses not much unlike those, a need to look good and feel accepted in front of others, and I'm not up-to-date on the "must know stuff" that is spoken about in the clip:

Basketball scores? Please.

Celebrities currently in rehab? I could care less. Truth be told, there are actually instances where I secretly laugh at how people with money have more messed up lives than people without it.

Compact cars with the most horsepower? No thanks. I'm not in the market for a new car, especially with gas costing around $4.00 a gallon!

The "perfect Bahama Mama" ... Hmmm. That might actually come in handy.

Especially on a 90-degree day like today! ;)

Lemonade

This weekend, I found out that my sister-in-law is pregnant with her first child.

At first, this news made me incredibly frustrated, angry, and annoyed because I wanted to be the one to bring the first grandchild to our side of the family. It would only be fair ... I was married before her, after all.

Then, after thinking about it (or rather, stewing over it for a couple of days), I've decided that I'm okay and that I can totally deal with it.

(I just realized how silly that sounds ... How big of me! Ha!)

Not only will my sister-in-law make many mistakes for me (from which I may learn and look all the smarter), but she will also act as a buffer in what I like to call "The New Grand-Mother Factor," or just "NGMF" for short. Science nerd that I am, I have actually documented and researched this factor with other new mothers in my family.

During the height of the NGMF, the new grandmother takes her role to the extreme:

• She fusses over the baby way more than is physically necessary
• She questions everything. (For example: "He looks hot! Why is he wearing a T-shirt and a Onesie??)
• She makes unexpected "pop-in" appearances during all hours of the day
• She purchases the baby ridiculously ugly or unnecessary gifts (For example: A velveteen Santa suit for Christmas or a Christian CD that inserts new grandchild's name into the songs)

No, NGMF is not pretty and is much more detrimental and scarring (to both mother and child) than plain old GMF. So, by being second to procreate (whether planned or unplanned as the case may be), I could essentially be decreasing my chances of having NGMF influence my day-to-day postpartum life.

But all that aside, I think I finally (deep down) realize that any baby is a blessing. It doesn't matter if it is the first, second, third, or thirteenth grandchild. It is a grandchild, plain and simple, and that is all that matters. It will be loved and spoiled and enjoyed regardless of its birth order.

Maybe I can "one up" her with a set of twins or something. ;)

Pure Ridiculousness

I begrudgingly attended a “Pure Romance” party last night (and my single reader wanted me to report back on it). So, here goes:

From the “licker” and “sniffer” hands (“You can sniff your licker, but don’t lick your sniffer”), to the pheromone enhanced lotions and lubes, to throat and butt-numbing creams, to the vibrators that not only vibrate but also twist and twirl and look pretty darn scary … The evening was absolutely ridiculous!

Having an excuse to get the girls together is one thing, but pressuring them to buy sex toys or other enhancers they probably don’t really need (or, dare I say, want) just so that you can get 10% of the sales to “purchase” your own sex toys or other enhancers is something else entirely. Now, I like my cousin very much, but as I told her, I’d much rather stop by, eat, and hang out without the pretense of buying something. First it was “PartyLite” candles, now it’s “Pure Romance” sexual products, tomorrow it will be “Mary Kay” make-up or “Pampered Chef” kitchen supplies.

Enough is enough already!

The “Pure Romance” brochure that I brought home says the following:

As a society, we spend so much time maintaining our homes, our cars, even our lawns—but, ask yourself honestly, when was the last time you maintained your relationship?

To that, I reply:

Do we really need a spinning, whirling, twirling, suction-cupping purple penis to maintain our relationships? What ever happened to conversations with the ones we love? You know, communication and just being comfortable with each other? Personally, I don’t need a measly 4 oz. container of “Dust Me Pink” powder (that costs $13 and tastes like berries!) and an $8 feather duster to have a romantic evening with my husband. A good meal, a back rub, and just cuddling together on the couch can be enough to get me going.

But maybe I’m in the minority. Maybe I’m silly to think that sex without all these extra frills is enough (and not old fashioned or even boring). Maybe I’m really missing out on all the excitement that products like “Nympho Niagra” or “Ex-T-Cee” or “X-Scream” can give me (those are real names, by the way).

Somehow, I don’t think that I am.

So, there you have it, my report on the “Pure Romance” party. Yes, I enjoyed spending time with "the girls" and I got a good laugh at some of the corny product names … But maybe I should have gone completely wild and splurged for the $150 dollar “Love Swing.”

If my marriage falls apart in the next couple of months, I guess I’ll know why. ;)

Everyday Comedy

I like to think that I'm a funny person, but even I can't come up with this stuff!

This morning, before heading to a doctor's appointment, I noticed the following arrangement on the bathroom counter and had to snap a picture.

And, no, neither my husband or myself are over the age of 60 ...

So, why, then, does our bathroom counter proudly display some psoriasis lotion and "Preparation H" hemorrhoid cream?

I guess that's just a little "everyday comedy" for you. I hope it makes you smile. :)