The High Road

For those that know me fairly well, there are two facets to my personality:

1. On one hand, I can be very friendly, loyal, and kindhearted.
2. On the other, I can be sarcastic, mean-spirited, and prone to gossip.

It's almost as if there's still a little bit of teenage girl trapped inside of me, willing to partake in drama just for the sake of doing so ... Even though, at twenty-six, I'm well aware that it's not becoming or attractive in any way.

While I always say I'm going to stop being so juvenile, I never really go around to making good on my own internal promises.

Until recently.

I feel like I'm growing up or something.

This past Sunday was my sister-in-law's baby shower. This meant, not only ogling over all the cute baby things, but also spending some time with my extended family members ... From both the in-law and the other-in-law sides of my family. Usually, I'd just steer clear of the other-in-laws for the sake of my own comfort and sanity, but something compelled me to be a little different this time around.

Just recently, I "friended" and have spoken to, my brother-in-law's older sister through the magic of Facebook. As it turns out, we have a few things in common ... One of them being the same confused feelings over being happy for the parents-to-be, yet sad that we are not the ones who are pregnant in the first place. On the surface, it's a great comfort to know that someone else feels exactly as I do ... It's also nice to think that these conversations might change things (for the better) as the family grows and expands ... And we inevitably spend more time together.

She's a nice girl.

While, one-on-one, it is so easy for me to declare the truth and steer clear of my gossiping ways, I fall into trouble when I'm in the presence of some of my husband's other relatives, namely, a group of his female cousins. Again, one-on-one, these girls are wonderful (beautiful inside and out), but put them together and they produce a virtual black hole that encompasses anyone or anything within a ten foot radius of themselves ... Positivity slips through and is gone forever. It's inside of this black hole that they let their inner teenagers loose to mock and tease the same other-in-laws that I am now growing to like.

They make comments like "big nose" or "buck-toothed." They complain about their fashion choices or any mannerisms that they may happen to witness. They make the conscious choice not to like these people, for no other reason than because they can.

On any other day I'd jump right in and laugh along with them ... But not this time.

For once, I took the high road.

Instead of adding to their conversations, adding fuel to their fire, I ignored them when they got negative. I left the table (with the guise of getting some food or refreshments) and went over to greet my other-in-laws and see what was happening on their end. In short, I said I'd make a change in my behavior ... And I actually followed through. I was the friendly, kindhearted person that I know I can be.

For once, I didn't fall in to the black hole. It was wonderful.

"Geez," I said at one point when the cousins were getting out of hand. "I'm glad that you like me, because I'd hate to hear what you say about me when I'm not around!"

While I'm still in possession of the two personality traits that I listed, I really do feel like I'm taking a different path from here on out. I may slip or struggle every now and then, but I can always look back at the feeling of joy from acting respectable. I know that, deep down, I'm not a bad person ... But if I produce a pattern of negative behaviors, how would a stranger know that?

It's time I start (consistently) acting my age.

As they say, actions speak louder than words ...

Compliment

After last week's Friday entry, it's nice to end this week on a positive note ...

I've been called many things in my lifetime, but this one, courtesy of a student, is new to me.

(Definition #4 is my favorite)

Please keep in mind that I'm probably as "white bread" as they come and that my students this year aren't that urban.

Very interesting ... :)

Loud Mouth

Despite what the title of this post suggests, I'm normally not a very "loud" person. That's not to say that I can't be loud at times ... I'd just rather blend into the background rather than boldly stand out against it.

As a teacher, I have become more used to being the center of attention ... But, who am I kidding? Half of the time, the students aren't even paying attention to me anyway ... Regardless of whether or not the little ears are listening, I speak with a loud, authoritative tone. I never feel like I'm shouting (at least, not unless I want to be shouting), rather, I'm pronouncing and enunciating each word so that all can hear.

At my previous school, I was chastised for doing this.

"Speak softly," my principal would chide, often leaving little sticky notes on my teacher's manuals and lesson plans. "If you speak softly, the children will also speak softly."

While this type of thought, the whole "lead by example" mantra, may work sometimes, I have found that teenagers are not especially receptive to it. Certainly, a calm voice will keep them more subdued than a frantic, nervous one, but volume means very little to them.

They are perpetually loud.

So, when a student looks you in the eye during a lab activity and asks, "Why are you yelling?" as you are trying to explain something to their small group, I guess it's time to turn down the volume a touch.

Mission: Accomplice

I have always considered myself to be a "dog person," but I am now quite accustomed to life with cats. I like how low maintenance they are, how they get embarrassed when they do something stupid, how their meows sound unique ... I like when they purr for no good reason (usually after you've had a bad day) or how (only if they feel like it) they curl up on your lap or next to you in bed and keep you warm.

The longer I have cats, the more interesting I realize that they are, and the more I realize that life would be weird without one. However, I've also come to find that my cats (at the very least) are constantly scheming ...

They're up to no good.

For example, this past weekend, I came upstairs to find "my" cat, our black mixed-breed, laying all adorably in the doorway to the master bedroom. Unable to resist a fat creature like herself, I knelt down and gave her a few good "love taps" instead of entering the room. She promptly began to purr and stretch out, obviously enjoying the attention.

Then I head a bumbling, rustling noise coming from inside ... Just beyond what I could see from the doorway...

As it turns out, our other cat, a petite, little Tortie, was into something she definitely should not have been ... And the other cat was covering for her! It was like the old lookout in heist movies, the guard standing at the door to make sure that nothing went awry. Sort of like Mr. Orange of Reservoir Dogs, but without all the blood.

It wasn't all that long ago, when our black cat was new to the house, that the Tortie didn't want anything to do with her.

Oh, how times change!

Hissy Fit

You wouldn't think that a high school boy would just let loose and throw a hissy fit, but that's totally what happened today ...

All I wanted to do was have a nice, structured little review session for an upcoming test, but no, I had to be interrupted ... Over and over and over ... By the same kid and his stupid iPod headphones ...

So, I took them. No big deal, really.

I must confiscate at least one item per day, so I've got a system now: Just calmly walk over, hold my hand out for contraband object and/or nuisance, and place it safely in my desk drawer until the end of the day. Usually this goes by without a hitch and the student sits quietly and sadly, mentally kicking him/herself for getting caught.

This time, something different happened ...

"I'm going to get those back TODAY!" I hear him shout.

Seriously. Just like that. "TODAY!"

If he were standing, he probably would have stomped his foot for emphasis.

Wonderful.

So, class finally ends, he leaves, and I begin to get ready for the last period of the day ... Until he shows up again.

"Can I have my headphones back?" He asks, as if some time has actually passed.

"No," I say without really looking up. He shouldn't have been messing around in the first place.

Somewhat unexpectedly, his volume raises from one to one hundred and he launches into a tirade about how I write out referrals for gum chewing, pen chewing (not true, but it made me chuckle), and every other little thing that he feels is acceptable for a student to do in class. He tells me how terrible I am, how I'm unfair, and mean, and rude, and unreasonable.

And then he screams. Literally. Screams.

"GIVE ME BACK MY HEADPHONES NOW!"

I just sit there, stunned at my desk, and shrug. "Sorry," I reply timidly as his friend has to drag him from the classroom before things really get out of hand. I'm glad for it, because at least he's out of my room. I'm oddly not afraid of any of these emotional kids, and it's not that Mr. Temper Tantrum is a big kid, but he'd probably be pretty scrappy in a fight. He'd almost certainly fight dirty.

Once he is gone, all of the students who have been waiting for class to begin are looking at me. I think that they must be waiting for me to burst into tears.

"Are you okay?" One asks, looking at me like I'm some injured animal.

"He wouldn't have been able to hit you," another one says, "I would stopped him before he could try."

"I'm fine," I say, because, really, this sort of thing isn't even that surprising anymore ... As sad as it is, I almost expect it (and this kid is a repeat offender).

With hours having passed between that incident and now, I'm still not sure how I feel about it. On one hand, I'm extremely angry that a student could treat me this way, pretty much without consequence (at least for the weekend because the referral hasn't made it's way to the Principal yet). On the other, the educator in me realizes that Mr. Temper Tantrum's crazed reaction wasn't necessarily directed at me, but rather the culmination of a host of other events that had been weighing him down ... Any psychology or conflict management class will tell you that the confiscation of his headphones was just icing on the woe cake that had been baking all day long.

Even so, this is not how I imagined teaching to be.

What happened to the kids that love to learn? What happened to honors science classes? What happened to expelling a kid after he/she has broken the rules one too many times? What happened to just turning homework in on time?

It's almost enough to make me have a hissy fit.

Artificial Fire

You'll probably be surprised to hear that scientists aren't positive as to why leaves change color in the autumn ...

Is it because pigments in the leaf (specifically chlorophyll) break down as the weather turns colder?

Is it part of a "bigger picture" of winter preparation for the tree or plant?

Is it a type of bug repellant from aphids that can only see in ultraviolet, blue, and green?


Whatever it is, I could look at fall-colored trees all day.

They are certainly striking this time of year ... Especially when set against a bright, blue sky.

Book Worm

Early this week, I paid a visit to my local library so that I might borrow some books for school. Once there, something about the crisp air outside, the early darkness, and the perusing down the "science" aisle made me think back to many of my past library adventures ...

In third grade, I remember walking to the library from my elementary school. It was only a couple of blocks away, but it was my first real time getting somewhere by myself. My parents even drew me a map with street names and arrows ...

Also in third grade, I remember huddling around a copy of "Where Did I Come From?" with my friends and learning about the wonders of the male and female anatomy ... And how everything fits together. One of the librarians actually came over and chided us for looking at it. I'll never forget the look on her face when I told her my parents had the same book at home and had allowed me to read it many times over.

Later, maybe in sixth grade, I acquired an obsession with the Titanic and actually went around the library taking every single Titanic-themed book (with pictures) that I could find and piling them on my table to look at. Never getting around to taking them out, I simply followed this routine, over and over, and insisted on creating that same pile (which probably made the librarians crazy). Looking back, I must have felt some sense of accomplishment as the pile shifted from a large one, into two smaller ones: "those books that I did not read yet" to "those that I finished."

Seventh grade began my "Outsiders" obsession, in which I took any S.E. Hinton book that I could find and read it ... Multiple times. This also began the Matt Dillon fangirling that I keep referring to and the hunt for any available VHS that had him in it. Thanks to the library, I got those videos for free! I had a very limited allowance back then.

Much later, in college, I had to venture into the underbelly of the school's library to find sources for my senior thesis. The feeling of being alone between the stacks was both creepy and oddly exciting ... If only the thesis itself had been as fun as the trip for information!

As you can see, I have many fond memories of my time in the library and/or the books that I would read there. My most recent visit to my local library seems to have rekindled all of those fond feelings. I literally found an interesting book, pulled it from the shelf, paged through it for a moment, and then plopped myself down in the middle of the aisle where I promptly lost myself in its pages.

It's been a long time since that has happened ... And after a long day at school, it was a nice experience!

High School Lessons #3

Lesson #3: Parent/Teacher Conferences can be a good thing

They say that nothing is truly free in this world.

They aren't lying.

I have a "Teacher Free Day" today, so that means no school ... But you better believe that I have earned every single penny (and more) of this paid day off! While I'm only actually in front of the classroom "teaching" students for just under 3.5 hours a day, and my experiences this year have not been nearly as traumatic as those from last year, my job is far from easy.

Being a teacher requires you to be so many things at once: expert, entertainer, motivator, disciplinarian, inspiration, friend ... Although I'm not yet at that stage of my life, I'd have to compare it to being a "temporary parent."

Just when you think you know what you're doing, you realize that you know nothing at all.

Just when you think you've seen everything, something comes as quite a surprise.

Anyway, this "Teacher Free Day" is a reward for making it through two consecutive nights of (oft dreaded) Parent/Teacher Conferences. Despite the blatant lack of parents in attendance (I probably saw just under half of the parents I should have), I think that things went well, and I actually enjoyed myself during each of the 3.5 hour sessions. Of the parents that did show, many were enthusiastic and perfectly pleasant individuals, just the type of parents a teacher hopes for ... And they gave me so much insight as to why their kids act certain ways and just what to do about it in the classroom.

For example, some parents took the "tough love" approach and gave me permission to knock their sons and daughters "upside the head." Others offered their unyielding support and put into words what I've been feeling for months: "You're not there to entertain [the kids], you're there to teach them." One father actually teared up as he described how proud he was of his daughter for achieving straight A's this quarter (and he should be proud, because his daughter is awesome ... I don't know what I'd do without her!).

In every "conference," I gained something useful for the coming months. I gained validation that I'm doing the best that I can on any give day.

I gained perspective.

I wouldn't say that these conferences make me wish that I was back in the classroom instead of enjoying my lovely stress-free Free Day at home ... But I will admit that all of the hand shakes and "thank yous" provide a shock of bright sunshine in a profession that can so easily be dark and stormy. Uphill battle or not, communication (and support!) from parents can really make the difference and give you the energy to keep on going.

Free Days don't hurt either. :)

A Confession ...

For the record, I don't talk politics ... So, I'm not one to get in a heated debate over a potential President (or Vice President for that matter).

As my previous post implied, I wasn't particularly thrilled with either of my choices this year ... And things haven't been much different in the past. I just can't understand all of the venom that is launched from either side of party lines in defense of a candidate. I mean, we are talking about people here ... Human beings. No human that I know of is infallible ... Not even the Pope (in my mind) and I'm Catholic!

So, this year was no different for me. I tried to research the issues and the proposed policies, keep things to myself, and (finally!) vote. My opinion is my own, I don't expect others to agree with me, and I have no qualms about keeping that information to myself.

What can I say? I'm stubborn ... And a good secret-keeper.

Despite making this point very clear, I don't think that I could count the number of times one student or another has asked me: "So, who did you vote for?" over the past two days since the election.

"I don't talk politics," has been my faithful reply. "Besides, I'm an Independent anyway."

Yet, for some reason, I feel like I can be honest here and say that, in the end, my vote went to John McCain. I admit this because I am troubled by some of the misconceptions and generalizations I see thrown around about those people that didn't vote for Barack Obama.

No, I'm not a Republican robot ... I like to form my opinion issue by issue, not because a group of seasoned politicians dictates what I should believe.

No, I'm not a racist ... I'm extremely excited at the reality of an African-American President. Maybe it will inspire some of my students of minority descent to get off their lazy butts and do something positive for their education and their future!

No, I'm not a Bible thumping pro-lifer ... While I would never abort my own baby (regardless of the circumstance), I believe that others should be able to make their own choices.

No, I'm not driven by fear ... The world today is a scary place, but I have to believe that people are good at their cores and that good will overcome evil. I also think that there is something to be said of "on the job training." While my first teaching job was hell because it was just that, I learned a lot and am a better person for it. Who is to say the Presidency can't function in the same manner?

No, I'm not happy with the status quo ... I agree that it is time for a change!

(Does that cover them all?)

To tell you the truth, I'm just selfish.

When it came down to it, I felt that John McCain would be more friendly to the small business owners (those in the $200,000 and above income range). That friendliness, and resultant lack of taxation, would selfishly help me by allowing my husband to continue his fruitful employment at a small business. There would be no lull in jobs to work on, no layoffs either ... Just gainful employment for the next four years while he returns to school and I rake in a teacher's wage.

That was it.

Honestly, that was the defining bit of information that swung my vote in its particular direction. So, I resent reading in other blogs and various forums, that all of the John McCain voters are inherently bad people ... Or just people that are just so stuck in their tired, old-fashioned ways that they are afraid of something different.

That's not me.

I'm just selfish.

Just Whelmed

So, I've spent the past two hours searching for information about candidates, issues, levies, and the like in preparation for my visit to the polls tomorrow. Not only have I acquired a headache and the distinct urge to scream and throw myself down the stairs in that short (ha!) amount of time, but I have also found a practical use for the topic of the following movie quote:

"I know you can be overwhelmed, and you can be underwhelmed, but can you ever just be whelmed?" (10 Things I Hate About You)

From this experience in voter education, I believe that being "whelmed" occurs when you are both incredibly overwhelmed and underwhelmed all at the same time (thus, the two cancel each other out). For example, I am extremely overwhelmed with all the propaganda that has been flung in my face lately (seriously, during my two hours of searching, the phone must have rung about five times with requests and reminders to vote for one person or another), but I am also incredibly underwhelmed by the choices laid out before me. It's like the South Park kids choosing between a "giant douche" and a "turd sandwich" for their school mascot ...

Thank God this insanity ends tomorrow ... Sort of.