Confirmation

I've been teaching at my school for one whole week.

The house is a mess. The bathroom sink is littered with random toiletries, toothpaste crust, hair from my head and from our cats, and is in dire need of a good scrubbing. Dirty clothes are stacking up, spilling over the sides of our upstairs laundry basket like something out of "The Blob." The master bedroom is a mess, the bed is often unmade and clean clothes are stacked at the foot of the bed and on top of our respective dressers (why they are not inside the drawers, I couldn't tell you). The living room is disheveled and the daily newspapers are creating quite a pile on our coffee table. Place mats from our dinners in front of the TV haven't been put away. The dining room table is unusable. There is more crap on there than I'd like to reveal. The kitchen (like the bathroom) is in need of a good scrubbing. There are dirty dishes in the sink, and clean ones on the counter. The white tile floor isn't so white anymore ...

I am incredibly tired. I find myself falling into bed at 9:00 pm and still not getting enough sleep. Waking at 6:15 is nothing like I have ever done (consistently) before. I can barely make it into the shower and the cold water still doesn't jostle my sleepy mind into alertness. God help me when I begin bearing children!

Quality time with my husband has become limited. I am preoccupied with getting things done for school, and he has started his next semester of course work at the community college. He jokes that we are mere "roomies" instead of a real married couple. I'm embarrassed that there's a lot of truth to that.

The point of all this?

Despite the fact that my world is just bursting at the seams ... In need of some real attention ... I am a million times happier, and more at ease today, than I was last year at this time.

Thank God for small miracles!

(And, hang in there, Love, we have a long weekend coming up!)

Three Days

So, I have been teaching my my new school for three whole days.

While it feels like three whole years (it is absolutely crazy how time passes inside of a school building), I actually find myself having some really positive things to say! But, then again, in comparison to the atrocity that was my first year, I don't think it is physically possible for another school to reach that level of bad.

This year, instead of going nonstop from 8:20 until 2:45, I am teaching two science classes (Physical Science and Earth Science) with two sections each and monitoring a study hall filled with a whopping three students. That's five class periods for those of you doing the math ... Five class periods out of a seven-class day! That means I have two planning periods where I can diligently plan ahead for the upcoming weeks, or kick back and enjoy the moment (as has been the case the past couple of days). Who would have guessed that normal teaching jobs actually include some down time!?

Also, as I mentioned a couple of posts back, all of my fellow teachers and administrators are absolutely great to work with. No one is domineering or scary, and, most importantly, I am able to do my job with very little interruption or unnecessary scrutiny. In the two or so times that the principal has come into my classes to make sure all is well, she has not made me feel like a child. If anything, she is more concerned over my needs than she has to be: Always asking how things are going and/or if I need anything. Instead of making me frustrated, this leaves me feeling supported ... And valuable.

But, probably most amazingly, the kids have been very well-behaved and cooperative. It was actually sort of unnerving on the first day when I was going over the class rules and noticed, to my complete shock, that I had eyes on me. Just about every kid in the room was looking at me ... It made me feel a bit paranoid ... Was there something in my teeth? Did I have toilet paper trailing from the back of my pants or something? Was my fly down!? Nope, they were just actually listening ... You could have heard a cricket in the room, they were so quiet. Being that I'm much more used to shouting over multiple conversations and seeing the backs of heads (certainly not the fronts), I was almost at a loss for what to do. Let's hope it continues!

Overall, I'm just happy that my leap of faith (and holding out and vowing not to go back to my previous school) actually paid off. Thank you to those of you that encouraged me and kept me going during my summer of solitude! :)

Too Early

It is unprecidented that I'm actually sitting at this computer before 10:00 am ... Let alone composing a blog post!

Today is my first day of class as a high school science teacher and I wanted to make sure I gave myself plenty of time to get ready, eat breakfast, and then arrive at school. Well, mission accomplished. I probably could have slept for an extra twenty minutes!

Things are shaping up to be a little bit crazy. We teachers have not received our class lists and students' names yet, and the students have not received their schedules. Luckily, I don't have a first period class to worry about, and my new science tables showed up (and were assembled) yesterday ... Both good things because I would be running around like a crazy person, and have kids sitting on the floor!

I'm definitely not as anxious as this year begins (last year I was physically sick just about every morning from mid-August to December), but I did just eat a moldy peice of blueberry crumb cake ... That might indicate that something is not quite right with my frame of mind.

Or I'm just still really tired.

Psychology 101

This past weekend, I spent a little bit of time with my parents and some of their college friends. Since their graduations in the early eighties, this group has gotten together at least once a year to kick back and basically have a good time. Over the years, their friendships evolved into something closer, something more family-like, so my siblings and I consider these friends to be more like extended family ... Aunts and uncles, if you will.

Anyway, before everyone started preparing to go home, a conversation was held that revolved around my middle sister. Phrases like "her smile lights up a room" and "she's a beautiful girl, absolutely stunning" were flying left and right.

This got me to thinking ... What about me??

I'm perfectly happy with who I am as a person, but I started to wonder: Is my self-perception directly related to hearing statements like the ones listed above? Do I, currently, see myself as being quite average physically because no one ever complimented me on my smile or stunning beauty?

Thinking back, I don't think I was ever referred to as "pretty" when I was growing up (at least not excessively). I was skinny, freckled (as I have mentioned before), bespectacled, and something of a tomboy. My hair was always on the shorter side, certainly not long and flowing like the sister in question. I didn't care, though, I had it in my head that I was pretty anyway and, even better, I was smart. That word, smart, would probably be the one I'd throw out there if a psychologist asked me to pick a word to describe myself ... Pretty would be at the end of the list ... But I'd also venture a guess that that's what I heard the most of growing up:

"Look at Emily, lost in that book. She's such a smart girl."

"Ask Em. I'm sure she'd know the answer to that."

"Emily is getting straight A's again this quarter."

You get the idea.

Most compliments from my parents and/or other adults revolved around my brain. While that's just fine ... I like being perceived as smart ... I find it very interesting that it's carried over and embedded itself into my thinking. When with my sisters, I never feel like the "pretty one." I'm a little more self conscious and end up secretly wishing I had cooler, more trendy clothes and/or accessories and a better hair cut. I'm just Emily, the frumpy (but very smart) one. In fact, I think I only truly feel pretty when I'm away from my family ... When it's just my husband and me, or us and his family. He says I'm pretty, beautiful even, and he's seen my sisters. It's enough to give a girl an ego.

Very weird.

I'm not quite sure of my reason for this post ... The conversation this past weekend just jumped out at me and felt very blog-worthy. I like to think that I'm so independent and completely immune to what others say or think about me, but that really can't be farther from the truth. If my self-perception has been molded (unwittingly) by my parents and the other adults around me as I was growing up, I've really got to be careful when I get a couple kids of my own.

I want them all to be pretty or smart or athletic or sociable or whatever it is they want to be ... Even if they end up with freckles and glasses and a mouthful of braces.

The Blame Game

During one of my many weekend internet putzing sessions, I came across this article.

Not only was I horrified to read that an eighth grader was killed simply for being gay (sadly, this is a tragedy that is becoming all-too-common), I was also completely and utterly confused at his parents' reactions.

Instead of directing their anger and frustration at the child that killed their son, they are focusing their attention squarely on the school district (and its administration and teachers) for not enforcing the dress code. They are blaming them for not doing something when their child showed up to school in feminine clothing and make-up.

Wait ... What?

Why is this the school's responsibility?

Why couldn't these parents take a moment each morning to make sure their son didn't leave the house in something overtly feminine? Why couldn't they enforce that he wait until after school to apply whatever make-up he enjoyed wearing?

As a teacher, it boggles my mind that, whenever anything goes wrong between the hours of 8:00 am and 3:00 pm, I am automatically to blame. Violence and school shootings aside (I believe that precautions need to be taken before something terrible happens), I'll certainly take credit where credit is due ... For the good or the bad. Unfortunately, it seems like, more and more, teachers are on the receiving end of excessive fingerpointing. That's not to say that some don't deserve it ... There are definitely some nasty educators out there ... But this trend of "when in doubt, blame a teacher" is very troublesome. Teachers are no longer being seen as authority figures or people to be respected (by their students, and, often, by their parents, as well). Instead, they are quickly evolving into scapegoats.

Let me tell you, it's hard enough to teach pre-teens and teenagers about the wonders of science, let alone lecture them in taking responsibility for their actions (or lack thereof) when their parents haven't yet mastered the concept. The things I do in a classroom will only go so far if there isn't any reinforcement at home ...

The parents in this article are obviously hurting, going through something so agonizing and unwarranted, and I certainly feel for them. I just wish that they could take a step back from their current position and think about how they (personally) could have aided in the situation. If they knew that their child had certain tendencies and vulnerabilities, why didn't they do something about it? Isn't that a parent's "job?"

Why is it automatically the school's issue, while they, too, sat back and did nothing?

Maybe I will never fully understand.

Serenity Now

With my new school year quickly approaching, I feel like I hardly have the time to stop and take a breath. Perpetually in motion, I'm rushing around to get my room ready, assemble my students' supplies, and just orient myself to the school and all the people in it.

This photo was taken during my in-law's vacation extravaganza last week, yet it feels like forever ago.

It's funny how time can move at a snail's pace, then quickly accelerate to something much faster. Hopefully, by posting this photograph here, it will remind me (and you?) that we all need to take a moment to just breathe every now and again ... To just be and enjoy all the simple things that can be so easily missed.

The Newbie

Thankfully, I've never had the burden of being the "new kid" at school.

No matter what school I attended ... Be it elementary/middle school, high school, or college ... I enrolled and then completed each span of learning without incidence. I was never transferred or otherwise removed from the people that I had grown accustomed to being with. I wasn't plopped into an entirely new educational situation, not knowing a soul, while everyone else had had the time to develop lasting bonds of friendship before I'd arrived.

I have taken enough jobs in my life to know that there is always an entry period of learning the ropes and making acquaintances, yet it seems so much stronger in a school setting. As my first week at my new school comes to a close, I am trying to shake off that "new kid" feeling. About half of the teachers at the school were around for its inaugural year (last year) and have obviously built bonds through their shared struggles and triumphs. The rest of the faculty, the other "new kids," came on weeks, if not months ago. I was tacked on to the roster just this week, the newest new employee of all, and it's very hard to shake that nagging feeling that I'm the odd man (woman) out.

Am I being annoying?

Am I asking too many questions?

Am I trying too hard and talking too much?

Am I coming across as stiff or awkward? Standoffish or stuck-up?

While I am, technically, in high school again, I feel like I'm back in high school.

Deep down, I'm the same awkward girl who could blend in with the athletes, the drama geeks, the honor students, and even (surprisingly, at times) the cool kids ... If I could do it as a freckled, brace-faced, glasses-wearing late bloomer, I can do it now (as a freckled, straight-toothed, contact-wearing twenty-something).

I guess the real issue is going to be getting the students to like me ...

Back in Business

During my week of absence, I not only relaxed heartily during my family's vacation ... I also accepted a job at a nearby charter school.

Yes, that's right, I am no longer unemployed and aimlessly wandering around my house!

While this isn't the job that I had dreamed of early this spring, it is a high school position, and I believe it will allow me to improve upon my current teaching skills. The school is just starting out (it only has ninth and tenth grades), but the administration and the group of teachers that I will be working with, are full of positive attitude and wonderful ideas. I'm thoroughly enjoying the fact that I'm no longer the only science teacher, and that I have another individual to bounce issues, concerns, and ideas off of.

More will be coming on this, but right now I'm still reeling from the realization that I'll have somewhere to be every weekday ...

And scrambling to put some lesson plans together!