Speculation

I wondered how long it would take before my students started speculating about my "condition."

Apparently, not long.

Today, on two separate occasions, students (all girls) called me over during seat work and, none-too-timidly, asked the question: "Are you pregnant?"

Granted, my choice of outfit probably prompted some of it: I was wearing an empire-waisted shirt that puffed out a little bit in the front ... And my belly has seemingly "popped" overnight (maybe it was all the Easter food on Sunday) ... But I was still slightly surprised by all the unwanted attention.

If I have learned one thing as a educator in the past two years, it is that there is a wall that must stay firmly in place between teacher and student. Without it, students get the false impression that you are their buddy, an older friend that divulges intimate life details ... That can (obviously) not be the case! With these kids craving attention and, oftentimes, that connection with an adult that they can trust, the wall can become faulty, crack, and fall, challenging and sometimes eliminating all professionalism from the teacher/student relationship.

It's a strange little balance to strike ... One that I hadn't realized would be affected by my pregnancy.

Obviously, the students that ask and wonder will get their answer (either directly or indirectly) because my body is changing. I am getting a little bit rounder in the midsection. I suppose I'm lucky that I got this far without any scrutiny ... I successfully bypassed any suspicion due to morning sickness (I didn't have any) for the first three months.

I don't want to go up in front of the class and make a big announcement, but I don't want to be like one of those celebrities that denies her pregnancy when she's as round as a beach ball, either.

Ha!

I just compared myself to a celebrity ... If only I made that much money!

April Storm

In under a week, a lot of things can change.

Gone are the long shadows of an evening sunset on a clear, cloudless day.

Gone are the brisk, warm-ish temperatures that warrent only a bulky sweater.

Gone are the smiling faces of my daffodils ...


I hate to say "I told you so," but I totally did.

Darn you, Cleveland weather!

April Bloom

I was surprised to see the bright yellow petals of this daffodil amongst the dark, rainy gloominess of the morning as I made my way to work. I was even more surprised, after a long day at said job, to see how fresh and happy it looked in the dying light of the day ...

So I just had to snap a photo.

I have the sinking feeling that this vibrant, little flower is going to end up covered in snow before the month is up.

Venus and Mars

To truly see the difference between men and women, one must look no farther than their reactions to a pregnancy announcement.

A response from another (female) teacher at my place of employment: "A baby! How exciting!"

A response from a (male) co-worker at my husband's place of employment: "You've got to be loving your wife's bigger boobs! Just wait until her milk comes in ..."

Souvenir

In addition to more photos than I can count, my husband and I like to pick up a little trinket from the locations we visit while on an extended vacation. Usually, the item is something small ... A hand painted sand dollar from our honeymoon, a piece of mountain rock from Colorado ... Definitely not something worth more than a couple of dollars.

Our family vacation to Mexico being no exception, we came home with a nice piece of coral from the beach that flanked our resort and a rustic magnet from one of the vendors around Chichen Itza ...


Or so we thought ...

It turns out, our leisurely vacation out of the States yielded something else, as well ... Something worth much more than a couple of dollars. It turns out our vacation produced a fertilized embryo, which implanted itself in my uterus, which has now grown to become a 14-week fetus.

It gives the statement "Made in Mexico" a whole new meaning for us ... One that will come in quite handy when we wish to torment our teenage son or daughter one day.

:)

Mid-winter Slump

This February has been especially rough on me and I feel as if I'm caught in some sort of trap. Motivation is low, creativity is nonexistent ... I find myself counting down the minutes until I can curl up in my warm bed and fall asleep for the night.

While this is doing wonders for the amount of time my brain is getting to reboot every night, its not doing much for this blog.

It doesn't help that I'm feeling more frustrated than inspired at work, and I don't want to constantly complain about the incredibly crazy situations that make up my day-to-day life ... Then my readership (of two people?) will really go down! I just feel like whenever things seem to be moving in the right direction, something has to ruin everything.

• A productive lab day for all of my classes is sabotaged (at least in my mind) by someone stealing my supplies.
• A seemingly "easy" class of simple note-taking becomes a shouting match between two girls when one none-too-kindly requests that the other "shut up."
• A student recites my written words from past discipline referrals and even a conference questionnaire in front of his peers ... Announcing that I must be passive-aggressive for good measure.
• Students give up if they feel overwhelmed (challenged?) by an assignment and then blame me for not "helping them."

I don't know if this winter weather is pulling everyone down, or if I'm all alone in having a really crappy month.

It just stinks that all these little storm clouds fill my thoughts overshadow the good things that are currently happening, too ...

Maybe next month.

Blizzard

No ... Thankfully not the type that is made of feet of cold, unyielding snow ... But rather the edible Dairy Queen variety.

I'm not sure if it's because Valentine's Day is tomorrow, or because my husband is just awesome (it's probably because he's just awesome) ... But I'll be getting a delicious ice-cream treat when he returns home any moment now. Chocolate chip cookie dough. Yum!

And to think, all it took was a simple, "Do you know what you should do after we clean up from dinner?"

And off he went.

I'm a lucky, lucky girl. :)

If only the rest of my week (especially the parts where I am working) could go as wonderfully as this!

Snap Judgements

Although I'm pretty level-headed and logical, there are times at school when I just act out of pure frustration or emotion. For some reason, students find it entertaining to just wander into my classroom while on their way someplace else ... And I all-too-enthusiastically shoo them away.

The other day, while sitting at my desk during study hall, one of my usual hall wanderers came into the room and made quite a scene. He high-fived a student in the room, shouted out greetings to all who could hear, generally strutted like a peacock trying to impress a mate. I was just about to tell him to "move along" when he walked farther into the room, approaching my desk. While looking everyplace else but at me, he mumbled, in a much quieter voice than I have ever heard him use: "Miss? Can you help me with that science assignment from the other day?"

Shocked that he wasn't just entering my room for no reason other than to cause a commotion, I picked my jaw up from off of the floor and quickly agreed to help him out before he was off to locate the tricky paper.

Looking back at this particular situation, I'm so glad that I did not act on my initial inclinations. Thankfully, I didn't shout out something along the lines of: "Jason! Get to class or I'm writing you up for disrupting my study hall!" Not only would this have escalated an otherwise harmless situation, it would have made me feel like a complete idiot for missing one of the most worthwhile opportunities that my job provides ... Working one on one with a student and actually getting somewhere.

On the flip side, during a different study hall, I had a student tell me that he didn't like me when he first came into my classroom: "I thought that you were really serious and smart ... That you would think I was stupid if I didn't understand something," he commented honestly.

"But I'm not like that," I shrugged.

"No! You're not that way at all ... You're very patient and helpful. I guess it's like that saying you shouldn't judge a book by its cover."

You know, there is something to be said for letting a situation (or a working relationship) unfold before arriving at a definitive conclusion. Sometimes we need a little time to see the truth of the moment shine through.

I'm a scientist at heart. I should have that down by now.

Trophy Husband

Since I can't count on my students to make me proud by showing me all the wonderful things they've learned, it's nice to come home to a husband that is still kicking butt at his classes.

To recap (for any new readers that may have stumbled here), he is back at school, taking courses in American Sign Language and Deaf Culture for an eventual certificate in Deaf Interpretation. Pessimistic as always when it comes to him and school, he continues to tell me his school stories, half-heartedly, like he's on the brink of giving up ... When, in reality, I know that he's flying through the classes and signing exercises like he's been doing them his whole life.

For example, just the other night, he was sitting at our computer, watching an automated hand spell various three-letter words, and then typing his responses. Totally nailing each one, I persuaded him to step outside of his timid little comfort zone and try and increase the speed ... First to "fast" and then to "deaf." Well, wouldn't you know it? He was getting just about every word on the "deaf" setting and making it look easy!

Like I said, he's kicking butt.

I'm so proud of him!

Discouraged

"You are really, really patient," a student commented to me yesterday. "I don't think I'd be able to do what you do!"

Yes, I am an incredibly patient person ... But there are limits to how long said patience will last. Like every other person, I get antsy and annoyed with a lack of progress. My patience wears thin if I feel like it's just not worth it anymore.

Lately, my patience is waning ...

Many of my students, despite the "new beginning" of the third quarter, have seemed to stop caring. They make it very clear that they have better things to be doing during my fifty minutes class ... They sidetrack themselves with naps, overall lethargy, conversations with those around them, or notes to friends. They barely participate and, when they do, there is a decidedly small amount of effort going into their performances.

So, the question remains: If they don't care, why should I?

I take the extra time to plan lessons that (I think) will be fun, yet still have educational value. I try to maintain an upbeat attitude, even in the face of blatant disrespect. I try to see the silver lining in every class ... Maybe someone finally got the concept. Maybe a student is proud of her achievements with physics formulas. Maybe a trouble-maker was quiet for just one day ... Yet, I'm left feeling overwhelmingly discouraged.

It just occurred to me (probably because I've written it down), that within the word "discouraged" is hidden another, much more important word: courage.

I must find the courage to muddle on.

I must continue to give my all when those students around me are giving far less than their best. I must take heart that I am a good teacher, despite what my students' grades may reflect. I must be brave and put on a happy face when all I want to do is scream and cry.

I guess I realize that, deep down, this job that I do ... Teaching ... Is worth it.

At least that's what I keep telling myself.

Night and Day

About a month ago, my parents took the whole family out for a "game night" at a local bowling alley. It was my mother's attempt to breathe some life (and some money) into a struggling small business ... and to get everyone together before her youngest headed back to college.

Despite the blizzard-like driving conditions that night, and the hemming and hawing from my husband the whole way there, it actually turned out to be a pretty fun experience ... The scientist in me was thoroughly entertained by all the little intricacies of the evening.

I've always known, but never really stopped to fully investigate (or appreciate), just how different my sisters and myself are. Of course, these differences are not relegated to appearance alone, and spill over into all other areas of our lives ... Likes and dislikes, personality, fashion sense, and, the most glaringly obvious ... Who we each chose as a significant other.

Summed up in a few words:

My husband: laid back, goofy, unassuming ...

Middle Sister's "friend" (she has yet to admit that he is her "boyfriend" even though he has been around for nearly a year): personable, established, an observer ...

Youngest Sister's boyfriend: spirited, competitive, immature ...

Even so, despite the differences in personality, age, occupation, and/or comfort level within my family, they way that these guys just fit together, as if they've known each other forever, was (and is) uncanny ...

While my Middle Sister or Youngest Sister's guy wouldn't be a match for me, and my husband would probably drive them crazy, it's easy to see what makes each relationship work. Maybe there is a balance of opposing attitudes. Maybe it's more like being "two peas in a pod." No matter what the case, a night of bowling with my family was like an experiment in watching a family grow. It was all too easy to see how newcomers are added to the mix ... Yet, somehow, they don't seem all that new.

It's like they have been there all along.

Still Chilly

"It's going to be warmer today!" A coworker cheerfully informed me when I walked into the high school this morning.

Had I not seen ninety degree weather in December this winter, I might not be so spoiled and actually get excited over this teeny, tiny little "thaw" that's taking place.

Talk to me about warm weather when it will look and feel a little bit closer to this:

You know ... Me, in a bikini, sunning myself on a rock in the Caribbean Ocean.

Stunted Silence

"If there were a little more silence, if we all just kept quiet ... Maybe we could understand something." (Frederico Fellini)

Being back at the hustle and bustle of school after a long weekend is always a hard adjustment ... For both students and teachers! Not only do I miss the extra sleep I tend get on my weekends and days off, I also miss the random little moments where I can just sit quietly and think about things.

A typical high school (like mine) is non-stop noise, so there is very little time for me (or anyone else for that matter) to pause and reflect. Finding the time to simply figure out if a lesson "worked" or not is difficult. Good luck locating a second to answer some of the bigger questions ...

I suppose that therein lies one of the main differences between my students and myself: I embrace the silence of the day, whereas they are fearful of it.

I always chuckle to myself when, as the class is working, the noise level naturally dies down to a very dull whisper, miraculously remaining that way for a couple minutes. "Wow! It's really quiet in here!" Someone will, inevitably yell out, giving everyone else in the room an excuse to get loud again.

It's almost like a protection mechanism.

When the room is quiet, one can actually think about things, gain insight and understanding ... And we wouldn't want that.

;)

Waiting

Many days, I feel like my life is just one long line after another. I'm perpetually waiting for something ...

A snow day.

My husband's arrival home from work.

The weekend.

The summer.

A planned trip or vacation.

A holiday.

A phone call from a friend.

A television show to come on.

Dinner to be done.

A better job.

My turn to be a mother.

This list could stretch on an on without fail ...

While, for the most part, I try not to cloud my daily thinking with the many things that I am looking forward to (or just simply waiting for), sometimes it just bogs me down. Maybe the cold, grayness of winter has finally crept into my thinking and colored the way I'm seeing things. Maybe the lack of sun and vitamin D has altered my mood and brought me down. Whatever the reason, I all too clearly realize that, if I don't stop and enjoy the moment, my life will pass me by before I know it.

Already, I can't believe that the Christmas holidays are behind us, that this school year is half over, that the long-awaited family trip to Mexico has come and gone. Part of me wants to ask, "Okay! Where is the next big thing? When will [insert event here] happen?" Yet, the other part of me just wants to slow down, put the car in neutral, and be thankful for all of the things that I have already, in the moment, that I don't have to wait for.

This life can not offer me a true moment of peace and complete satisfaction.

I may really have to wait a while for that ...

Leaky Faucet

For as long as I can remember, my Mom has always been a big softy. If she wasn't falling asleep on "family movie nights" she was crying instead, furiously wiping tears away from her face. I (along with my sisters) always found this funny and would talk about it for days afterward ...

I never had a problem with crying during movies myself until the past five years or so. I don't know what it is, but I tear up at least once or twice during just about every movie I watch ... And it's getting worse!

The best I can remember, it started with a comedy, The Wedding Singer. There's one part, toward the end of the movie where Drew Barrymore's character is talking to herself in the mirror and realizes that she's not in love with the man she's about to marry. To comfort herself, she starts talking to the mirror as if she's marrying someone else, a friend who has been there with her through everything, and realizes that she has feelings for him, instead. At that very moment, that same friend is watching from the street below ready to express his feelings for her, but, upon seeing her smiling and laughing, turns away because he doesn't want to ruin her big day if she is truly happy (which she isn't!).

I don't know what it was, but something about that scene hit me and caused a rogue tear to escape down my cheek ... From then on, it has only gotten worse. Any movie with "feel good" themes and/or an uplifting message gets me every time. It can be drama, comedy, animated. Whatever the genre, you name it ... I turn into my mother and lose it just about every time.

Even television shows get me on occasion ... A season finale of The Office where Jim comes back for Pam, an episode of The Biggest Loser where the contestants get to see their families for the first time in weeks, and (I hate to even admit it) even America's Next Top Model where a finalist says that she never felt pretty before, and now she finally does ...

Like I said, it's getting worse.

It's not that a good cry doesn't feel good on a semi-regular basis. I just feel like, if I'm going to cry, it might as well be for a real reason, and not because a movie or television show has coerced it out of me. If you asked those closest to me, I can be sensitive, but I'm not an overly emotional person. For example, my husband has (lovingly?) described me as being the "coldest person he has ever known."

So, why movies? Why now?

Any hypotheses addressing the matter would be greatly appreciated. I always knew that I had the potential of "becoming my mother." I just didn't think it would happen this soon!

A New School

Many days, I wish that things with my job (and teaching in general) were easier. I feel like, no matter what I do, it's like pulling teeth with my students.

They aren't motivated.

They don't care about completing their work (or passing the class).

They aren't very easily excited ... I mean, even the prospect of working with ten test tubes filled with unknown chemicals doesn't cause a noticeable reaction!

It makes me sad that there is so little enthusiasm for learning and just plain expanding one's universe with these kids.

Maybe I need to expand my universe and move to a different school ...


Something similar to the one I encountered while in Mexico would be nice.

Blindsided

I know I always say that I'm not surprised by anything that happens within the walls of my high school, but something exceptionally weird happened this week ...

At the end of the day, one of my most trustworthy students approached me and asked if I had noticed an out-of-place visitor in my classroom the period before. Stopping to think about it ... The period had been chaotic as my students worked on group projects and I tried desperately to keep their volume under control and their group work on task ... I couldn't recall seeing anyone that didn't belong.

After I replied that I hadn't noticed any impostors, the student went on to tell me how a student from one of my previous sections had snuck into the room about five minutes after the period began, hid under her friend's lab table, and proceeded to stay there for the rest of the period (forty minutes)!! Apparently, I had passed by the area multiple times, yet never caught on to what was happening under my nose.

Not only did I feel incredibly stupid that my students had to point this out to me (Really, how could I blatantly miss someone sitting under a table for forty minutes and not see them come or go?) I also felt betrayed and angry at the situation.

The sneaky student, you see, was one that other teachers complain about, but that I feel like I have advocated for and gone out of my way to mentor. I have pushed her and praised her, listened to her scholastic struggles between classes, and basically done everything in my power to lift her up where others may have crushed her down. It genuinely hurt my feelings that she would use me and my classroom in such a way ... That she obviously thinks I'm an idiot and wouldn't notice her little game (which, to her credit, I didn't).

I know I probably shouldn't take the situation personally because teenagers are so fickle, but the whole thing has just weighed me down since it happened. Skipping class is one thing. Doing it by hiding in my room is another thing entirely. It is something so disappointing and unacceptable that I can't really formulate the words to truly describe how I feel about it.

I guess the best summation is that I feel betrayed.

What is the point of putting yourself out there, taking the extra time, and trying to form these mentor relationships with students, when all they do is use it against you (whether consciously or not)?

I sure didn't see this one coming.

Feliz Año Nuevo

I know I'm a little belated in this sentiment, but I'm having a difficult time adjusting to the "Cleveland gray" after a wonderful week of vibrant Mexico color.

I mean, if you have to wake up early (on vacation, even!), this makes it all worthwhile...

The photo doesn't even do it justice.