Bittersweet-ness

I spoke with one of the other teachers from my former school today.

I was sort of pressured into it, since she called late last week while I was away and left a message in which she said: "I heard it through the grapevine that you aren't coming back next year. Why didn't you tell me? You could have told me. You should have told me ..."

I pretty much knew this call would come sooner or later.

She was right, I should have called her, but I just feel sort of silly calling to tell her I'm not coming back even though I have yet to find another job. That sort of "leap" just isn't like me, and probably speaks volumes as to how unhappy I truly was at that school. She'd never say it, but I think she sees my coming and going in a year as a proverbial "slap in the face." She's been there for more than 25 years, so why can't I (a "good" teacher, as she has described me) just stick it out until I actually find something else?

The sixth grade science position has been a revolving door for the past three years ... And I just helped it to spin around one more time.

Anyway, the conversation went by quickly and painlessly. She wasn't mad or disappointed as the tone of her phone message had suggested. I suppose that she's just the type of person who wants to know what's going on in my life and if it will still intertwine with what's going on in hers.

But, there is a point to all of this ...

During our conversation, I found myself asking about "my kids."

Which ones have registered for the upcoming year? Which ones are not returning? How did they do in summer school? I was oddly sad to hear her mention them by name, and realize that I will probably never see them again. There will be no more stories and jokes on Monday mornings ... No more discussions about bodily functions during Health class ... No more PG-13 (even though they are still too young) movies before holidays or vacations ... No more trips to the "prize box" filled with dollar store goodies ... No more chaos or gossip before the Tuesday and Thursday tutors show up ...

Ten years from now, will any of them even remember me? Will they think back of me positively and see that I was actually trying to help them? To teach them more than just science?

I hope that they will.