Psychology 101

This past weekend, I spent a little bit of time with my parents and some of their college friends. Since their graduations in the early eighties, this group has gotten together at least once a year to kick back and basically have a good time. Over the years, their friendships evolved into something closer, something more family-like, so my siblings and I consider these friends to be more like extended family ... Aunts and uncles, if you will.

Anyway, before everyone started preparing to go home, a conversation was held that revolved around my middle sister. Phrases like "her smile lights up a room" and "she's a beautiful girl, absolutely stunning" were flying left and right.

This got me to thinking ... What about me??

I'm perfectly happy with who I am as a person, but I started to wonder: Is my self-perception directly related to hearing statements like the ones listed above? Do I, currently, see myself as being quite average physically because no one ever complimented me on my smile or stunning beauty?

Thinking back, I don't think I was ever referred to as "pretty" when I was growing up (at least not excessively). I was skinny, freckled (as I have mentioned before), bespectacled, and something of a tomboy. My hair was always on the shorter side, certainly not long and flowing like the sister in question. I didn't care, though, I had it in my head that I was pretty anyway and, even better, I was smart. That word, smart, would probably be the one I'd throw out there if a psychologist asked me to pick a word to describe myself ... Pretty would be at the end of the list ... But I'd also venture a guess that that's what I heard the most of growing up:

"Look at Emily, lost in that book. She's such a smart girl."

"Ask Em. I'm sure she'd know the answer to that."

"Emily is getting straight A's again this quarter."

You get the idea.

Most compliments from my parents and/or other adults revolved around my brain. While that's just fine ... I like being perceived as smart ... I find it very interesting that it's carried over and embedded itself into my thinking. When with my sisters, I never feel like the "pretty one." I'm a little more self conscious and end up secretly wishing I had cooler, more trendy clothes and/or accessories and a better hair cut. I'm just Emily, the frumpy (but very smart) one. In fact, I think I only truly feel pretty when I'm away from my family ... When it's just my husband and me, or us and his family. He says I'm pretty, beautiful even, and he's seen my sisters. It's enough to give a girl an ego.

Very weird.

I'm not quite sure of my reason for this post ... The conversation this past weekend just jumped out at me and felt very blog-worthy. I like to think that I'm so independent and completely immune to what others say or think about me, but that really can't be farther from the truth. If my self-perception has been molded (unwittingly) by my parents and the other adults around me as I was growing up, I've really got to be careful when I get a couple kids of my own.

I want them all to be pretty or smart or athletic or sociable or whatever it is they want to be ... Even if they end up with freckles and glasses and a mouthful of braces.